Now what?

I've finally got that big test over with, and it feels GREAT. I don't know what the results are yet, but whatever it is, it's time I get started with what's next for me; updating my portfolio and looking for an arki job. I can't wait to find one.

Towards the end of my test period, I managed to find a part time job at a clothes store. Growing up you wonder what it would be like to work in McDonald's or something like that. It looks like fun, you think. Then when I was 7 I got a chance to actually try it. McDonald's Greenhills (Is it still there?). It was great, I had my own little striped yellow and white uniform, of a style that McDonald's had in the late 80's. I felt like a big girl. 18 years later, I get a part time job at a clothes store, and it's a whole different picture now. You work coz you've got bills to pay, and you stay standing attending to people 8 hours a day on your 2-day weekend shift. It's not a matter of wanting to feel like a big girl anymore, coz now youre way past 'big girl' and you look at little kids and wish you were 7 again. Your legs feel like you could barely stand after, but that's about the only downside to it. My co-workers are a great bunch; we're like the United Nations. There are Perubians, a Moroccan, an Argentinian, a Chilean, there's someone from Poland, your share of Spaniards, and the Filipino delegate, me. It's great coz youre all basically in the same situation, and about the same age, doing the same thing. Three of us are doing some kind of licensure exam. One for agriculture, one for psychology, and mine, architecture. Another is a chemistry student, another does humanities, and there are other studies too. It's nice coz the stories and experiences you share are understood. The company is great to work for too with our situation because they offer a considerable amount of flexibility to the hours you need for school plus, you get 50% discount on the clothes ofcourse!

So anyway, now is time for the next step. I've got that job going, now to work on my career-whatever the outcome of the test. Now is the exciting part, the part where you wonder, where will end up working? And now is the part where you also do a lot of hoping; hoping that you will be given an opportunity to prove yourself to your possible emoployers. Hoping you will be noticed among those who are educated and trained in the same city, in their standards. Hoping you might finally find this job youre looking for, and hoping you'll be happy working there.

For now though, I'll take a break, maybe ill start on that portfolio tomorrow or the day after. Ill take the time to enjoy this little window for rest while i have it, and start fresh with what i have coming for me next.

Love.

1 Corinthians 13:4-8

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices in the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always preserves. Love never fails. "

I don't think any other phrase or verse mentioned in a Homily has ever stuck as much as this one did this morning.

Love. Growing up, and sometimes to this day, I still don't find it very easy to say the word. All throughout my life, i've felt it, although at home, it isnt a word that is said to eachother very often, but when i do hear it said by someone from my family, it brings me to tears. This is not to say I dont feel love, or give it. The truth is, as much as it was a too 'cheezy' for the culture we had at home, i also felt and still feel that it is a big word.

The Beatles sing:

All you need is love, all you need is love,
All you need is love, love, love is all you need.
Love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love.
All you need is love, all you need is love,
All you need is love, love, love is all you need.

And yet i wonder, what does it really mean? I may not be too vocal about it, but I find it is one of the most important, most beautiful words in the world. It is sacred, not to be messed with. Love. That feeling that makes you happy, sad, hurt, all at the same time. Love. A word that brings people to do many things that people who are 'out of love' think are crazy.

You can't buy it, its not to be taken, only to recieve. It is to be given away, with nothing in return. I say it is color, silence, a whole lot of laughter, a familiar face, remembering someone or being remembered.
A whole lot of nothings that are the great somethings in life.

Love. When there is just the two of you alone, apart, but together, and almost feel as if he or she is next to you. When nothing need be said and all is understood, and all is accepted.

When the butterflies have gone, and you're left with eachother.

Loving yourself, your neighbor, your God.
Loving yourself and not being selfish nor conceited.
Being yourself.

Love. What is life without it? It ceases to be one.

Love. Try as we might, we will never able to define it, only describe it.
I can only pray, that may my life be always full of it.

Flying Away

I like daydreaming, letting my thoughts wander, aspiring for something, being inspired. One of the things I find most important in life is the ability to do just this.

I'm down to my last to weeks of reviewing for my version of what my peers in Manila would call an 'Architecture Board Exam'. And today, i went to engineering class, thinking it wouldn't be difficult to still learn something new, add something more, more formulas, new procedeures, etc. After two hours of staring at the black board and listening to the professor, i thought, i'd be better off reading Chinese. I got up and left. I thought, i shouldn't kill myself over forcing three semesters worth of engineering subjects in five months together with having had studied some six more subjects.

I called some of the people closest to me, and let out my grief. And being the good friends and family they are, they consoled me, and let me hear the sweet words i wanted to hear, that i had already done enough. I have to admit, i knew i had done enough already, and my knowing it should be enough, but sometimes, it helps to hear it from someone else too.

As I walked home, I thought, all these technical aspects I have to be tested on, these will not be things that will make me a better architect, not in my book. Everybody can learn to draw, everyone can be good at engineering, these can all be learned. It may cost some people, but with time, it can all be learned and done. What will make me the architect I aspire to be is to do what I love to do best, let my mind be, explore new ideas, 'play'. And this can not be taught, only inspired.

I remembered my days at the University, any day where i let my mind wander, let my mind 'fly away', these were the times I was at my best, produced best results, was very happy, was high, literally 'flying away'.

After five months of studying nothing but the 'nitty gritty' of the practice, things that I value too, but enjoy less, I realized its been a while since I was able to let my mind free and explore new ideas. In focusing on all these technical problems, i hadn't 'played' for so long, and life's been pretty dull. I remembered the days in school back at home where I would study these technical subjects too, but also had 'Design' to think of. My mind 'flew away' when I drove, washed dishes, sat quietly at my desk holding a pencil facing a clean sheet of paper. With so much time away from all my daydreaming, I feel a part of me is ignored, I feel like I am incomplete.

In the end, I will, and I want to have all these technical abilities. As my friend Leandro put so well in his blog, as quoted from his dad, that "People are like mango trees, and we don't bear fruit until we are pruned, trimmed, hacked, and burned.", I too will have to get this process over and done with. And no doubt it will make me a better architect in the sense that it will. But i wish it won't take too long 'coz I'd like to take flight again soon.

2:17 am

I don't normally stay up till this time in the morning for no reason, which is probaly why it feels strange (but nice) that im having my second breakfast muffin and orange juice.

My mind is all over the place; everywhere but here in my room, in my bed where its supposed to be.

The test that is to give me my license is coming up in two weeks. The slow, exhausting process of gathering information and studying is hopefully about to end.

I just found a job! Part time, but it will pay rent and feed me till i find a real one. The 'next big thing' has started. My brother was excited about it...he gets to keep my room at home. As for me, i'm just happy and eager to get started with life here. I sleep better at night now too(ok, not tonight...but you know what I mean) knowing I will am employed again. It would also be cool to loosen up with the budget a bit and not think too much when I go grocery shopping.

I have a new set of people to add to my list of long-distance relationships, this evening, I spoke to my mom, dad, brothers, and even the dog through skype. What i might hear through a conversation while preparing meals or at the dinners are all summed up for me now through email or a skype conversation. Oh well, we can't have everything, we want, can we?

I started reading a book about China, "Todo Bajo El Cielo" (All Under Heaven), a novel about a spanish woman from Paris who goes to China to fetch her late husband's remains and discovers this new whole other world. It would be interestig to see a Spanish view of the East. Meanwhile, a part of me is awakened, a part of me that once called that world home. The person i was, the person I am now, has evrything to do with that place, how will i fare in this part of the world coming from where i come from? How are the people I left back home? Yes, I know, these are not exactly the best things to ponder on especially when you're trying to settle in a new place, but I can't help it, I've never listened to so much Filipino music, and it just feels so good to speak Tagalog when you have the chance. I hope this doesn't fade.

I'm looking at a blank canvas, paintbrush in hand, paint tubes infront of me. Now toget started with the painting! I can't wait to get my hands dirty.

I guess I should go now, take my mind back from my books, my new job, home (And for heaven's sake, China!) and take it to bed.